


The T Word

by MusicalRaven



Category: Game Grumps, Good Game (TV 2017)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alex is trans and they never bothered with killcore, Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Nothing is canon and i dont care, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexuality Crisis, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, unsafe binding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-05-04 19:11:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14599815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MusicalRaven/pseuds/MusicalRaven
Summary: Alex doesn't like to talk about his past, but alcohol can loosen his tongue. Ryland is not ready for what is said.





	1. Little Miss Perfect

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SamanthaAuburn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamanthaAuburn/gifts).



> Wrote this a little before midnight but still like it so have some angsty bois
> 
>  **Edit:** Just a note. I wrote this originally as a one shot then expanded it. So the feel of this chapter is a bit separate from the tone of the rest of the fic

"Why are you like this?"

Alex looks up from his drink, the world tilting and blurring in just the right ways, and he smiles. "Why're any of us like this, hmm?" He gestures vaguely around him, before curling his tongue around the straws in his drink. Ryland rolls his eyes. His second beer is still mostly untouched.

"No, I mean you. Why do you fuck yourself over so badly?" He takes a sip of his beer. "I mean, you know my shit. Tantrum went viral, sunk into a deep depression and loathing cycle I never recovered from, ecetra, ecetra." He gestures with the bottle in the air and Alex follows the movement, mesmerized. "But you? I've known you for years and I still don't know shit about your fucked up past."

"Y'know I'm a washed up rock star," Alex replies, and Ryland rolls his eyes again. 

"Yeah, but what about before that? You've practically imprinted on my parents as if yours fuckin hit you as a child or somethin'."

Alex's smile drops a bit, and he turns back to his drink. He stares, silent a moment, then lifts it up and takes a swig. "Not 'til I stopped bein' lil miss perfect," He mutters, and suddenly he wants to throw the glass into the wall. He sets it down instead, inching it away from himself. The dizziness is now more sickening than comfort.

Ryland lifts an eyebrow. "And what's that supposed to mean?"

Alex chokes out a laugh and shrugs. He sways into Ryland, and Ryland leans away slightly. "I di' everythin' they wanted, ya know." He holds up a hand, pointing at each finger as if counting. "Got straigh' As, never so much as _looked_ at a boy, never snuck out." He lets out a loud burp and shakes his head. "But you wanna change your fuckin hair once and oh, you're gay now don' do that." Ryland is watching him carefully, studying him, but he keeps going. "Jokes on them. I'm so fucking gay, but not in the way they thought." He giggles, leaning more heavily on Ryland, but this time Ryland stays put.

"I'm...not sure I'm following you, Alex," Ryland says and Alex clicks his tongue, bending his head and neck backwards to meet his eye upsidedown.

"Ry, Ry, Ry, lookit me."

"I am, buddy." Ryland's eyes sweep over his face again and Alex smiles, sitting back up straight but still leaning against him as he moves his face closer to Ryland's.

"Really look," He says, tapping his nose. "They say testosterone changes it all bu' I still see it. Every time I look in the mirror, I can hear my Dad say what I pretty woman I'd make. And he was right." He taps Ryland's nose, giggling again, and Ryland's eyes finally dawn with comprehension.

"You're transsexual?" Ryland asks, disbelief coloring his tone, and Alex clicks his tongue again, covering Ryland's mouth with his finger.

"Th' term's transgender now, and yes, I'm a big ol' trans." He pulls on the 's' in trans, making a hissing noise as he does, and Ryland pushes his hand away.

"I didn't know girls could do that sort of thing," Ryland says, but it's quiet and mostly to himself. He's studying Alex again but Alex is taking another swig of his drink. He sets the now empty glass down, and stares at it for a long, hard moment.

"My dad use'ta take me out shoppin', when I was still a girl." Alex taps his fingers on the glass. He can see the memory in his head, foggy from the alcohol. "He'd tell me ta pick ou' dresses I liked an' to try them on for him to give his opinion on. Those trips always felt like we were doing' one'a those movie montage things, scripted but withou' the music." Alex tilts his head, eyes unfocusing. "An'- An' I remember, trying to get him to take me out shoppin' after, an' when I said I didn' wanna do the dresses anymore he said," Alex push's the glass away, shaking his head. "He said, 'Is that it then? Is my daughter jus'- jus' gone?'"

Ryland's mouth is pressed together in a thin line, and he takes a hand off his beer to hesitantly place it over Alex's. Alex grabs onto his fingers like a lifeline and Ryland squeezes softly. "Is that why your calls always go to voicemail? He's not actually just busy, is he?" Ryland's voice is as soft as he can get it, his mind still dealing with this new information, but he holds himself in check.

"If I'm just gonna pretend to be a boy, then why should I have a father at all, right?" Alex mumbles, staring at the bartop as his vision blurs from tears now. "Why should mom care if he hits me when I demand to be called Alex? I'm a man now, I can take it." His voice cracks and he grips Ryland's hand tighter.

There's so much Ryland could do, but life has taught him to keep his distance, because that's the only way to keep himself safe. But as Ryland watches Alex's tears drip down his face, fingernails digging little crescent shaped marks into his hand, Ryland breaks his rule. Just this once. Just so he can feel Alex's hand encircle his wrist as he wraps his arm around his shoulders. Feel Alex's cheek press into his chest as he runs his hand up and down his back, the sobs he makes shaking both of them. And yeah, his whole body is tense as all hell, but he doesn't pull away, and he counts it as a small victory.

"Alex, you-" Ryland swallows, the words 'you deserve so much more' stick in his throat. He tries again. "You're a good guy, alright? Fuck what your dad says. You're- You're good the way you are." The words are clunky, and he wishes he hadn't said anything. Until he hears a soft reply, muffled by his hoodie.

"Thank you," Alex mumbles, still clutching at him like he was a lifeline. Ryland pats his back, ruffling his hair a bit as well. 

"C'mon, let's get you home, you drunk queer." Alex let's out a surprised laugh, pulling back just a smige to smile up at him.

"M'not the only drunk queer here, baaaaby." Alex winks and Ryland rolls his eyes.

"Yeah, not drunk. You, on the other hand, are very wasted."

"S'the only reason y'know my life story, so be greatful!" Alex punctuates this statement by smacking the bar and Ryland takes a quick swig of his beer before pulling out his wallet and handing some bills to the bartender.

"Home. Now." Ryland stands up, pulling Alex up with him as he starts to fall over. "You can explain more in the morning if you want, otherwise I'll pretend I don't know."

Alex frowns, shaking his head as he leans against his chest again. "No. No, I need you to know. You have to know, Mkay? Say you'll remember. Promise."

"Why is it important to you I remember this at all?" Ryland asks with a sigh, already pulling Alex towards the door.

"Cause. I wan' you to know. I know you'll always be my frien', even if I'm a freak." Alex shrugs, and Ryland pauses, quirking a smile at that.

"Well, we're both freaks. And honestly, I don't know any other freaks willing to stick with me like you have."

Alex grins. "Then m'happy to be your freak." 

Ryland smiles, soft and just for Alex. "I'm happy to be your freak, as well."


	2. The Next Morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I'm writing more of this?? Idk how much more, but have this update

Alex isn't even surprised when he wakes up with a splitting headache the next morning. After his Mom had left him another scathing voicemail, admonishing him, one again for not even _trying_ with his father, he had planned to get as drunk as fucking possible. 

His mother always did this. Blamed him. Like he didn't call him every fucking year on father's day. Like he didn't let his father yell and scream at him anytime he wanted to, because it was the only way he could talk to him anymore.

Alex shakes his head, wincing and holding his temple. Maybe he'd get high later, since last night apparently didn't help him forget shit. Regardless, he needs to get up and eat, since his stomach seems to be complaining rather loudly.

Pulling himself to his feet, he stretches his arms above his head and yawns. He pads over to his door, clicking the lock shut before shedding his T-shirt and beginning his search for his KT tape. His eyes scan the room, passing over discarded heaps of clothes, food wrappers, and random bits of paper. Finally he zeros in on the beige coloured roll sticking just out from under his nightstand.

He pulls it out, yawning again. Putting it on while he has a splitting headache isn't fun, but it's necessary. Ryland still had no clue he wasn't anything more than the average, if not pathetic, cis man he presented himself as, and he planned to keep it that way.

It wasn't that he didn't want to tell Ryland. He was his best friend. Maybe his _only_ real friend. But if he told him, even if Ryland somehow took it amazingly well, things would change. Pronouns might actually have to be a thing he thinks about again. He'd have to explain over ignorant question after ignorant question. He'd probably not even be able to go half naked around him anymore, cause he might do that thing where people assume it's supposed to be awkward cause he's still got 'girl parts.'

Alex pulls his left breast to his side, taking a piece of tape to hold it place. He didn't even want to think about the idea of Ryland getting angry. Screaming at him for lying to him. For being a freak. Maybe even punching him if Alex got too close. If that happened, he'd probably not want to wake up again. Ever.

Alex shudders, pressing down on his chest a little too hard and wincing. He quickly tapes up the other side, tossing the roll back down and tugging on his shirt. Breakfast first, overhauled thinking about his life second.

He slips on some socks to keep his feet warm and scoots out his door towards the kitchen. He glances at Ryland's door and frowns. It was still closed, meaning he was probably still asleep. Damn. He'd wanted to ask him about last night.

As he exits the hall, however, he notices Ryland sitting on the couch, laptop in his lap. Ryland turns to see him and Alex briefly sees some sort of forum before Ryland is slamming the laptop shut. 

"You're up early," He says, sounding annoyed, which pretty much confirms for Alex he'd been looking at porn.

"So are you," Alex counters, moving into the kitchen and opening the fridge. "I thought you were still asleep. Your door's still closed."

There was a pause. "I didn't really sleep much last night." Alex glances at Ryland, who shrugs and puts the laptop on the coffee table. "How's your head?"

"Like someone beat me over and over with a baseball bat!" Alex grins, but Ryland isn't amused.

"You might as well make your headaches set up rent payments. They live here enough as it is." Ryland sunk back into the couch, eyes drifting shut. Alex grabs some milk and tosses it on the counter, rooting around in the cupboards for that box of generic cheerios he is sure he still has a little bit of. "Black out again?" Ryland asks and Alex hums in agreement.

"Just like I'd hoped." Alex closes another cupboard, moving to the right side of the kitchen to continue his search. "I do anything exceptionally stupid?" He spots the box of cheerios and cheers quietly. Ryland is silent behind him. Alex turns around, box in hand. Ryland's sitting up again, eyes on him. "What? That bad?"

Ryland stares at him a moment, eyes searching his face as if trying to will something into existence. Alex raises an eyebrow and Ryland sighs, sinking back into the couch. "Threw a glass across the bar and declared yourself king of Ireland. You got us kicked out again."

Alex clicks his tongue, pouring the cereal into his bowl. "O'Malley's or O'Dell's?"

"Neither. We were at Witchita." Ryland shrugs. "They'll forget about it in a week or so." He paused, watching Alex pour milk into his bowl. "Alex?"

Alex glanced up. "Hmm?"

Ryland stared at him again, that same expresdion on his face, and Alex felt hot and a bit sick but he wasn't sure why. Finally, Ryland took a breath, looking away. "Make me a bowl too, unless you used it all up already."

Alex swallowed, the feeling already fading. It was probably just more aftermath from last night. Nothing more. "Sure," Alex said, grabbing another bowl down. "I, uh, still have a little.

But no matter how hard he tried, his hands would not stop shaking.


	3. Sexuality

Ryland groans in frustration, rubbing his eyes. He either needs sleep, or another energy drink. He yawns, long and loudly, and glances at his computer again. This was what, the 26th website he's been on today? Would a 27th even matter?

He shuts his laptop and tosses it to the other side of his bed. After Alex woke up, Ryland had quickly sequestered himself in his room to continue his research. Drunk Alex may have wanted him to remember what he'd said but there was no way sober Alex was gonna see him google searching 'living with a transgender person' and not flip the fuck out. Hell, _Ryland_ had the first time he searched it.

Ryland runs a hand through his hair, standing up from the bed and walking back out to the living room. Everything is silent, no Alex in sight. He lets out a slow breath, grabbing his keys and pulling his shoes on. It was usually nice not to have Alex around during the day, but this time, Ryland actively wanted to avoid him. He felt a little bad about it, but just being _around_ him this morning had made Alex suspicious. If he figured out Ryland wasn't telling him everything, it'd quickly get ugly.

 _Best to just avoid him for now_ , Ryland thinks as he locks the door behind him. _Just until I can get a handle on this._

During the ride downstairs, he almost falls asleep just leaning against the elevator doors. When they open, he stumbles out, blinking and shaking his head. He hears snickering and blearily sets his sights on a small, bald man leaning against the front desk in the lobby. He stops as soon as Ryland sees him and Ryland rolls his eyes, already heading towards the laundry room.

"Busy night last night?" The man asks and Ryland rolls his eyes again.

"None of your business."

The man frowns slightly. He watches Ryland a moment, scooting out from behind the desk. "I saw Alex. He looked pretty off his head." Ryland doesn't bother to reply, speeding up, but the man still skitters after him. "I bet he has a pretty bad migraine today. That's never fun."

"What do you want, Lorenzo?" Ryland stops walking, turning to face him with a glare. Loenzo shrinks back a bit, swallowing hard.

"Well I just- I mean, you guys are _pretty_ behind on rent and I was just, um, wondering when that might be rectified?" He tries a smile on but Ryland's expression doesn't change. His smile faulters, but he holds it and Ryland sighs.

"I'll get back to you, okay? Just not right now." He runs a hand through his hair. "Why are you even bringing it up? I've explained to you the situation."

Lorenzo looks away, hands twisting against his torso. "I wanted to, you know just...Lydia said I should stick up for myself and, well..." He trails off, and Ryland is already bored.

"Look, whoever Lydia is, she's not our manager. You are. Now, are you gonna evict me or can I go get a Redbull?"

Lorenzo shakes his head. "She- Lydia's my girlfriend but no I- no."

Ryland nods and turns back, but Lorenzo still follows him as he makes his way into the laundry room. Ryland tries to ignore him, but Lorenzo is talking again and dear god he just doesn't shut up.

"Okay so that wasn't her best idea but Lydia's had so many good ideas too! Like how to organize my records better and ideas for fixing the heating problem in this building." Ryland is sticking quarters in the vending machine, watching each one fall in the slot. "It's amazing how much she knows! I mean, yeah she technically used to be a man, but like, that doesn't really have an effect on what people know, you know? Like, I don't know how to do any of them and I _am_ a man!" Ryland freezes, finger hovering over the button for Red bull and he glances at Lorenzo, who's still blathering away. He interrupts him.

"Lorenzo," He says, and he glances at him, blinking like he's surprised to hear him speak again. "Your girlfriend is transgender?"

Lorenzo bites his lip, slowly nodding. "Oh, um, yeah she is. She doesn't like me to...tell people though. Um, crap, sorry." He looks a bit upset at this but Ryland doesn't really care.

"But doesn't that- I mean I did think you were gay but you said you were straight?"

Lorenzo blinks. "I am straight. What do you mean?"

Ryland pauses, feeling like he just said something stupid but not quite knowing what. He clears his throat, staring at the vending machine as he presses the button. "I just- she wasn't always...a girl and wouldn't that make you and her..." He trails off, not quite sure how to phrase the question. The clunk of the can falling makes him jump, and Lorenzo gives him a curious look.

"It doesn't make me gay, if that's what you mean." Lorenzo smiles, shrugging. "She's a girl. Doesn't matter what her past is or what she may have or not have that other girls dont."

"And you don't find that...weird?" Ryland taps his fingers against the machine.

"Of course I do. But she's the first trans person I ever met. Now that I've gotten to know her and friends of hers I'm past that." Lorenzo raises an eyebrow, watching Ryland a moment. He is staring ahead blankly, hand curled into a fist against the front of tge machine.

In his head, Ryland sees Alex as he'd been before he'd met him. Or at least, an approximation of his pre-transitioned self. And he interposes that with the Alex he knows, the two images overlapping but not fitting, like two similar puzzle pieces from different boxes. "You alright Ryland?" Lorenzo asks, and Ryland blinks back into reality.

"Yeah I'm fine." He bends down and snatches up the Redbull. He turns his back on Lorenzo, not bothering to give him a second glance as he hurries back to the elevator, hand clenched tight around the can. Lorenzo just watches him go, a small confused frown on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made Lorenzo straight just cause I wanted to defy stereotypes a lil bit, but idk if he's gay in the show I didn't watch far enough
> 
> Edit: I have been informed he very much is, so I hope you'll forgive me since I'm making everyone else gay


	4. Defensive

_Two weeks later_

As soon as Alex sees Martin post about his party on Facebook, he knows he needs to go. He hasn't been formally invited, but there is no doubt in his mind that Martin wants him there. They'd been in the same band way back when, and it was only right to see him off to bigger and better things. Plus, it's been a while since he'd last gotten black out drunk at a party.

And, of course, Ryland needs to come too. He doesn't know Martin himself, no, but Alex wants him there. He isn't exactly conscious to _why_ , ignoring the twisting in his gut as he rereads the status, but he just...needs him. So that means convincing him to go.

Alex takes a deep breath, wincing a bit at the stretching of his muscles. God, his chest was just hurting him more and more these days. He places a hand on his sternum, taking another breath before he makes his way out to the living room.

Ryland doesn't look up as he enters, focused entirely on the new God of War he'd just bought. Alex watches him for a moment, leaning against the hall wall. His hair is spiked up at the back from sleep, sticking in every direction and making him look kind of adorable. Alex smiles at the thought, the idea of running his hand through the tossled strands entering his mind for a moment.

"Hey, Ry?" Alex says, raising his voice a bit to catch his attention. Ryland glances back at him but otherwise doesn't move.

"Yeah?" He leans forward a bit, eyes back on the screen. Alex trots over to the couch, plopping down on the arm rest. Ryland flinches, leaning away from him a moment, before straightening up and leaning back towards him, thought still not as close as before. Alex could have sworn he'd seen something like fear in his eyes, but it was gone now. He frowns slightly, glancing over Ryland's face briefly before continuing.

"I have a proposition for you, my dear man." He gives him a big grin, which Ryland doesn't bother to look at.

"I'm not going to any parties." Ryland says without hesitation, and Alex stares at him in shock. Ryland glances at him again, raising an eyebrow. "You always try to make a deal with me when you want to drag me to one. It's Alex 101." He turns back to his game and Alex sits in silence for a few moments. Was he really that predictable?

"But- okay, I know you don't like them, but this one's important!" He tries again, digging his fingers into the arm rest between his legs. Ryland huffs.

"How? Is there a ton of booze? Weed? Ecstacy?"

Alex rolls his eyes. "Do you really think I'm that shallo-"

"Yes," Ryland interrupts, and Alex rolls his eyes again, but concedes.

"Fine, I'm going partially for the booze." Ryland grunts in satisfaction. "Hey, hold on. I'm also going cause it's Martin's party. He and I were in that band together and I...he's got a record deal." Alex swallows, that twisting back in his chest, and he forces himself to smile. "I want to congratulate him! Properly! And I need you to come with."

"Why? It's not like I know the guy."

"Because..." Alex trails off, looking down at his hands, then the screen, then back at Ryland. "I just...do. You can get drunk with me. Scope out some hot girls! Long hair's in these days, you know." Alex waggles his eyebrows and Ryland gives him an annoyed look.

"I'm not interested in getting with a girl tonight, thanks," He drawls sarcastically, glancing down at Alex's chest briefly and shaking his head before turning back to the screen. "And probably not ever."

"Aw, don't think like that, Ry. I'm sure you-"

"Did you happen to forget I'm gay, Alex?" Ryland snaps, finally pausing the game and tossing the controller beside him. "Because I must have told you like, a million fucking times already."

Alex blinks. "Oh I- sorry, I thought- old habits, you know?" And he remembers that back when he'd had first moved in. He used to try to hook Ryland up with girls all the time, but after Ryland came out to him, Alex had stopped. Mostly. Sometimes he just plain forgot. Maybe that meant something bad about his brain, but Alex tries not to think about that too much.

"Is there a reason you're still stuck to old habits? Hmm?" Ryland's voice is sharp now and Alex flinches.

"Wha- no I-" Alex swallows hard, Ryland's heated glare throwing him off balence. "Really, I didn't mean anything by it. I just forgot."

Ryland glares at him a little longer, the air tense and still between them, before he lets out a breath and shakes his head. He looks suddenly tired, rubbing a hand over his face. "Whatever, man. It doesn't matter. But I'm not going, alright? I'm good."

Alex opens his mouth, then closes it. He doen't have much else he can say so he just nods and stands, watching Ryland snatch back up his controller and start playing again. He stares for several long seconds, wanting Ryland to look at him again. Just once more. But he keeps his eyes pointedly on his game and Alex gives up, heading back to his room with a sigh. Guess it would just be him tonight.

As he closes his door behind him, he doesn't notice Ryland glancing after him, a frown on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But what will happen at the party??? Tune in next time to see Alex be a dumb shit


	5. Bad Influence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this went somewhere different then what I planned, so have one more chapter before we get to see Alex and the party desicions.

Ryland doesn't dare relax until he's on the street and around the block. He slows to a stop, leaning against the wall of the apartment building and easing himself to the ground. He puts his head in his hands and groans loudly, then slams his head backward. It hurts, but he deserves it.

It'd been an hour or so since he'd talked with Alex about the party and by god, he'd acted like a complete idiot. He couldn't tell _Alex_ that, of course, so he'd had to slip out while Alex was still in his room. And now he was here, still in his pajama pants and hoodie, forced to relive his stupidity.

The problem was, ever since he'd talked to Lorenzo, old feelings had reasserted themselves. Feelings he'd buried a long time ago when he'd convinced himself trying to pursue anything with Alex would be useless. He'd made it very obvious by his constant attempts to set Ryland up with random girls that he was not interested, and that had been fine by him. All his relationships ended in him fucking something up anyway. Having Alex as a friend these past few years had been great for him. For both of them really.

But then Lorenzo talking about Lydia and not being gay even though she was transgender made him remember his feelings. Made him acknowledge that not quite platonic pang in his chest when Alex smiled at him. Or those times he lingered a bit on his lips, never too long for him to notice, but just enough that he had to force his thoughts away from...other things.

But now that he knew Alex was transgender, he couldn't help but wonder what that made his attraction to him. Yeah, Lorenzo said it doesn't change anything, but what does he know? He could barely manage even get a girlfriend more than once a decade. What did he know about relationships or sexuality?

Ryland stared up at the sky as he pondered this, hands laying crossed over his knees. He couldn't even talk to Alex about any of this, and that was the most frustrating part. Disregarding the 'having feelings for him' part, he aches to ask him so many questions. He wants to understand. To stop acting like an idiot about this topic, but unless Alex chooses to trust him with this information while he's sober, he's stuck trying to figure it out himself.

Ryland sighs, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, and then another. After a few moments, he's calm again, pushing everything back down to the back of his mind and pulling himself to his feet. For now, he'll do what he did best. He'll ignore this problem entirely. And he knew just the person to help him with that.

He pulls out his phone and texts them, smiling when he got an almost immediate response. They text back and forth for a minute before Ryland put his phone back in his pocket. He leans back against the wall and closes his eyes again, waiting.

Several minutes later, he hears a car roll to a stop in front of him. The window rolls down and a voice calls, "Get in loser, we're going _drinking_." Ryland cracks open an eye to find Ash leaning out the passenger window, grinning at him.

"You had to pick the most cliche reference, didn't you?" Ryland asks, sounding amused. Ash shrugs.

"Only the worst references for you, loser. Now get in." Ash crawls back into the driver's seat, popping the lock on the passenger side door. Ryland rolls his eyes but he's cracked a small smile as he climbs in.

"So, you need a distraction?" Ash asks, raising an eyebrow at him. Ryland clicks his seatbelt in place. He shrugs at her look.

"Yeah, and?"

She looks him up and down, shrugs, and turns back to pull the car onto the road. "Fight with the boyfriend?" 

"I don't have a boyfriend," Ryland snaps, giving her an unamused look. She snorts.

"Yeah sure, and I don't have a girlfriend. Sam is actually my hairdresser. She just stays over and we fuck from time to time, nothing serious." Ash makes a face at him and Ryland scowls.

"I haven't fucked Alex, Ash." He cleches a fist at his side, jaw tense. He's already regretting texting her. He should have gone and curled up in a drainpipe instead. At least it wouldn't know Alex.

"Not yet, anyway." She makes a clicking sound with her tongue. "So, boyfriend or not, it's about him, isn't it? You only ever call me when you fuck something up with him."

Ryland looks away, still tense. "Fucking _drop it_ , Ash. I said distraction, so _drop it_."

Ash snorts again. "Yeah, alright, I get getcha. I have plenty of booze at my place and a VR headset so go nuts." 

"Did Steamin give you that?" Ryland glances back over at her

"Yeah. Was his most recent attempt to convince me to convince Sam to do a threesome with him." Ash shakes her head. "Jokes on him. I took the VR headset and quit the next day."

"Finally? You aren't still worried about not getting another gig or whatever?"

"Nah, I am. But I'm just sick of the harassment." She gestures towards him, eyes still on the road. "And yeah, yeah, you're free to go 'I told you' so all you want. I know you've been wanting me to quit since I started with the guy."

"I told you he was an asshole from the start. You're the one who got taken by the fancy pay." 

"Semantics." She waves a hand, then places back on the wheel. "Anyway, it's over, and I have to find another job. _But_ I think I'll survive." She slows the car to a crawl, turning into her driveway. Ryland hops out as soon as she parks and he hears Ash make an indignant sound as he slams the door shut.

"Not even gonna wait for me, boy?" She asks as she climbs out her side, but Ryland is already making his way to the front door. He leans against it, giving her an impatient look as she locks the car up. "Just knock, dummy." She makes a shooing motion and Ryland rolls his eyes but does so. After a few seconds, the door opens and Sam is smiling at him from the doorway. 

"Long time no see," She says, and Ryland shrugs, glancing back at Ash who's finally made it to the door.

"Hey babe. I'm gonna go get Ry Ry wasted!" She leans down and gives Sam a quick kiss, which Sam reciprocates, before she sighs, eyeing them both. 

"I have half a mind to toss all the alcohol in this damn house." She shakes her head, holding the door open for them. "Come on, then. Go fuck yourselves over." Ash slips inside immediately, not giving her a backward glance, and Sam watches after her, chewing on her bottom lip.

"I'll try to keep her from drinking too much," Ryland says quietly, and Sam looks at him gratefully.

"Thanks." She gestures inside and Ryland follows after Ash, glancing back at Sam who closes the door and plops herself down in the living room. He looks away as she looks up at him, following Ash into the basement. He can feel Sam's eyes on them as they descend the stairs, but he doesn't look back.


	6. Party On, Bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Pride month! Have some Alex being a dumbass

Alex stands in front of Martin's house, frozen to the spot. He can hear music coming from inside and see people moving around, but for how alone Alex feels at this very moment, it might as well have been empty.

The house is two stories and Victorian, obviously well taken care of. It looks like something you'd see on TV under stylish suburban homes. Not only has Martin gotten a record deal, but in the few years since he'd quit their old band, he's managed to make something of himself. Something Alex himself can't claim.

He isn't sure how long he stands there, staring. But suddenly he's blinking as light from inside the house spills out through the front door. He focuses on a man silhouetted in the door frame and swallows hard.

"Alex?" The voice calls. He wants to run. Maybe he should have. Instead, Alex gives a wobbly smile, holding up a hand in a partial wave. The man gestures him forward and he swallows again, forcing himself to walk to the door. As he breathes, a sharp pain cut through his chest, making his steps stutter, but he keeps moving.

"Alex!" Martin says again, sounding more excited now. Alex keeps the smile on his face, a bit firmer now, and reaches out to shake his hand. "It's been so long, man! How've you been?"

"I've been...good." Alex manages. "I can see you've done pretty well for yourself."

Martin chuckles. "Yeah, well, the Scarlet Torches are the ones that're well off. I'm just the backup band." He winks and Alex's chest felt tight. He let out a slow breath, forcing himself calm. "You here for the party?"

"Yeah I, uh, saw it up on Facebook and I just thought-"

"Oh, I forget we were still Facebook friends!" Martian laughs and Alex forces a quieter one of his own. "Well come on in! The party's just getting started." Before he can react, Martin ushers him inside, shutting the door behind them and steering him into the living room. 

For the hour or so Alex is shuffled from person to person as Martin introduces him as 'his old bandmate.' He tries to keep his spirits up, but with each new person, he finds that effort falling away. Especially when he introduces him to his new band mates.

"And this is Steven, our lead singer. Star does bass and Petra is on drums," He says, gesturing to each person in turn. "And of course, yours truly is lead guitarist." He grins at Alex and slings an arm around his shoulders. "Amazing, right?"

Alex nods, glancing at the three others who are eyeing him curiously. "Yeah, that's great man. Hey, do you mind if I grab a drink real quick?"

"Of course! Stuff's in the fridge," He says, gesturing with a thumb the direction of the kitchen. "Only got beer and water, though. I'm trying to lay off the drinks."

 _Of course you fucking are._ "Alright, thanks." He quickly slips out of Martin's grasp and into the kitchen. Something twinges in his chest again and he winces, closing his eyes and taking a slow breath. As the pain dissipates, he remembers he's been wearing the tape since early this morning. Way, way past the 8-hour limit. It's not the first time he's done it. He once went 16 hours, no rest period. He'd been in hellish pain half the time but he'd stuck through it. And it wasn't going to be any different today.

He's thankful the kitchen is empty so he can spend several seconds just leaning against the counter to catch his breath. After he can breathe without searing pain greeting him, he pulls open the fridge.

There are several cabs of beer on the top shelf. He takes all of them, balancing them in his arms and closing the fridge with his foot. He sets them down on the counter and chugs one. Then another. He finishes off a third before someone finds him.

"I figured you'd do something like this." Martin's arms are crossed and he's leaning against the doorway, a frown on his face. Alex just stares at him, the empty third can in his hand. His face feels warm. He shrugs.

"Old habits, eh?" Alex says, trying for a joking tone but it falls flat. Martin sighs.

"God, I actually thought you had changed." Martin glances at the empty beer cans, eyes hardening. "But looks like you're the same old selfish bastard I knew back then."

Alex tosses the empty can down and picks up a new one. "Me? I help people all the time!" He pops open the can and takes a swig, gesturing at him with his free hand. "You're the one throwing a party to stroke his own ego."

"Go home, Alex. Just...go home."

Alex stares at him for a moment, hand tightening around the can. Martin stares him down, eyebrow raised and waiting. After several tense seconds, Alex chugs down the rest of the beer, keeping eye contact as he drops the empty can on the ground and pushes past him to the door. No one says anything as he marches past, throwing open the front door and slamming it behind him.

He's two blocks away when the pain hits again. This time it almost knocks him off his feet, it's so intense. He gasps, doubling over on the sidewalk and clutching his chest, eyes squeezed shut. He tries to breathe but it's shallow and forced. He gasps again, and again, and the pain lessens a bit but it's still there.

He manages to lower himself to the curb, whimpering when he moves. The pain flares up strong again for a moment, before dying back down again. He takes a slow, difficult breath, eyes closed again as he waits for it to pass. And then suddenly, he realizes he's left his car parked in front of Martin's house.

"Goddammit," He wheezes, and he holds one hand over his face. When a good minute goes by and it becomes apparent the pain just isn't going away this time, he pulls out his phone and dials the only person he wants to talk to right now.

The phone rings a couple times before Ryland picks up. "What'd you do?" He says as a greeting and Alex wants to laugh. Or maybe cry. Either would work right now.

"Insulted the host. Threw things. The usual." He winces as he leans forward a bit. "The guy hates me now. I know it."

"There are worse things," Ryland says. "He could have knocked your lights out."

Alex huffs a laugh. "That would be preferable right now." He winces again, holding his side. "I- I left my car by his house. I can't- Could you come pick me up? Please?" He tries not to sound too pathetic but he's already starting to tear up. Whether it's from the pain or the embarrassment he's not sure.

"Alex-" Ryland starts, already sounding exasperated.

"Oh, so it's the boyfriend," A voice says in the background. Alex blinks in confusion.

"Ash, shut the fuck up and give me your car keys." There's some rustling on the other end and Alex pulls the phone away from his ear. The pain slices through him again and he almost drops the phone, doubling forward and whimpering. After a few seconds, it dulls again and he puts the phone back to his ear.

"-lex? You still there?" Ryland's voice sounds farther away, but still clear. Alex nods, then remembers he has to speak on a phone call.

"Yeah," He manages.

"Where are you? Tell me so I can come get your dumb ass."

"I don't- um..." Alex glances around, spotting a street sign. "5th and Alder. I think."

There is some muttering on the other end and brief rustling. "Yeah I- Yeah okay, stay where you are. You move one inch and I'm leaving your ass, got it?" 

Pain flares up in his chest again and he chokes out a laugh. "Yeah, no problem, man. I won't move an inch."


	7. The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back on this story?? Man, it's been a few. A stressful few. Anyways, I hope to at least get a few chapters in before I drop off the planet again. We'll see.
> 
> One point I wanted to make clearer that I don't think I had yet is Alex's binding is unsafe, but not cause he uses tape. It's unsafe because, even though his binding has been using a binder and tape, he's bound too long many, many times and doesn't listen to his body. When he's in pain, he ignores it, which is something you should _never_ do. Also, something important is that, even if you're binding the absolute best way, it's still bad for you. Alex has been binding for over a decade and honestly, that leaves your ribs all kinds of messed up. It's unfortunate, but it's true.
> 
> Basically, my point is not only is Alex unsafe in his binding, but binding has left his body damaged. And that damage is going to show up in this fic a lot. I'm honestly probably being lenient in him still being _able_ to bind, so just be aware and for those of you who bind as well, be careful, be mindful, and know that even binding safely has adverse effects.

"I don't understand you, Ryland."

Ryland sighs, turning the car onto yet another suburban street. "Ash-"

"First, you tell me you want a distraction, aka drinks and shit talking," Ash says waving a hand for emphasis. "Except suddenly you just want to sip beer all night. Like, what even is that?" She gives him an incredulous look and he opens his mouth to respond but she keeps going. "So of course, I can't drink anything good. And _then_ , your not-boyfriend calls you up and immediately has you dragging me along just so you can coddle his ass after some failed party stunt." Ash pokes his arm, ignoring Ryland's glare. "So, explain to me why the fuck he couldn't just drive his own car home?"

"I told you," He says slowly, fighting the urge to start snapping at her. "It's back at the party."

"Ah, yes and he's totally incapable of walking back to pick it up himself. His legs are suddenly _nonexistent._ "

Ryland rolls his eyes. "Ash, stop being an ass and just help me out. We're here, we're doing this, it doesn't matter why."

"Oh yes it does." Ash jabs at his shoulder now and Ryland slaps her hand away. "You are throwing away a perfectly good evening for the same person you always do. Alex. God, I don't know why you insist so hard you're not dating. It sure seems like-"

"Fuck off, okay? Just fucking drop it." He growls, pulling the car sharply onto Alder.

"You can't ignore this forever, you know."

"Watch me," Ryland says, much quieter now as he spots Alex on the side of the road. He's doubled over, hands wrapped around his sides, and Ryland instantly feels a pang of something in his chest, but he ignores it as he slows so he can pull over. He ignores the look Ash is giving him as he parks and turns off the car. "C'mon." He pushes open his door, not bothering to glance around for traffic as he hops out. He hears Ash sigh behind him but doesn't check to see if she follows as he slams the door and heads straight towards Alex.

"Alex!" Ryland calls. Alex doesn't move. He frowns, taking in more of him as he gets closer. His breathing is shallow, but at least he's breathing at all. He looks so pale, too, and tense. Like he's in pain. Which doesn't make much sense with what Alex had told him. "Alex? Dude, what the fuck happened?"

Alex's head tilts up a bit, enough for Ryland to catch his eye. He winces as he moves, taking another slow breath. "Hey, Ryland. How's it going?"

"What the fuck did you take and where can I get some?" Ash asks, saddling up next to Ryland. Alex glances at her, looking a bit confused.

"I- beer? Ryland, why is Ash here?"

"She's gonna pick up your car so I can drive you home." As soon as Ryland says this, Ash gives him a very annoyed look. Ryland turns to her, giving her a very steady look back. They stay like this a moment, Alex looking back and forth between them. Finally, Ash sighs and rolls her eyes.

"Yeah sure, whatever. You're paying me back later." She jabs Ryland's arm again, then turns to Alex. Where is it?"

Alex swallows, biting his lip as he lifts an arm the barest amount to point down the block. He winces, biting down harder on his lip as he takes a few breaths. "Down…down there. Two blocks. House number 27750."

Ash blinks, looks up to where he's pointing, then back to Ryland. Ryland just gestures in the same direction and she sighs again. "You get a scratch on my car, I will sue."

"Wouldn't have it any other way," Ryland says, smiling slightly. Ash huffs, pulling her purse up her arm as she stocks off towards the house. Ryland watches her a few moments, waiting until she's several feet away before finally turning back to Alex.

"So," He starts, raising an eyebrow. "Care to explain?"

Alex shakes his head. "There's nothing-" He grunts as he shifts forward. "Nothing to explain." He closes his eyes, waiting a few seconds before pushing himself to his feet. Ryland watches him, immediately stepping forward when he cries out, swaying on his feet. But before he can grab him Alex just holds out a hand, stopping him. "I'm fine, okay? Just please don't- don't touch me."

Ryland frowns, arms dropping to his side. "Sure you are." He eyes him a moment, his arms back to wrapping around his chest, breathing labored. He _knows_ something is wrong but if Alex doesn't want to admit it, it isn't like he can do anything about it. So he just gestures towards the car. "You can walk, right?"

"Of course I can," Alex snaps and yeah okay, maybe he should have just left him here.

Ryland purses his lips and turns around, walking back to the car. He slides into the drivers seat, slamming the door and yanking the buckle down. Why'd he even call him if he'd wanted to be a dick? It wasn't like Ryland had nothing to do but save his ass from his own stupidity. He'd probably gotten punched in the stomach or fell into something like a drunk idiot. Whatever. It was none of his concern. Alex had made that clear.

Even so, Ryland watches him carefully in the rear view, hand curled around the lever for the door. With the way he was stumbling, Ryland is almost sure he's going to fall on the ground. But several more seconds and he's leaning against the car door, chest heaving from exertion. Ryland unbuckles himself and leans over, knocking on the window to get his attention. Alex gives him a weird look as Ryland shoos him back, but when he pops open the door, that look turns grateful.

"Thanks," He manages, teeth gritted around the words as he collapses into the passenger seat. Ryland settles back in his own seat, watching him carefully as he closes his door and tries to get settled. He can hear the muffled sounds of pain he's trying to hide as he moves, wincing as he sits up, and Ryland makes a decision.

"Alex, talk to me." He pulls the keys from the ignition, curling his hand into a fist around them. Alex doesn't notice, eyes closed as he continues to breathe and not answer. Ryland frowns. "Alex," He snaps, and finally, Alex meets his eye again.

"There's nothing to talk about. Just start the car."

Ryland shakes his head. "No."

"No?" Alex asks, incredulous. "Ryland, there's nothing to te- tell." He sucks in a sharp breath, trying to smile but it's tense. Wrong. "Let's just go home."

Ryland stares at him a moment, then sits back against the door. "You have two options. One," He holds up a finger. "You tell me what's going on so I can know whether I can leave you alone or need to take you to the goddamn hospital, or two," He holds up a second finger, watching Alex's expression harden. "I take you to the ER right now and make you get some help. So, which is it?"

"Don't treat me like a fucking child, Ry."

Ryland snorts. "I'm not the one pretending like he's fine when he can barely move."

"I _am_ fine."

"Bullshit." Ryland glares at him and Alex looks away. He huffs, watching him curl his arms tighter to his chest. "Talk to me. Now." Alex doesn't look at him. Doesn't move. "Alex!" He shakes his head, lips pursed tight, and Ryland wants to scream. "What'd you do that was so goddamn stupid you can't even tell me? I've seen you take a flying leap off a second story balcony! There's nothing you could say right now that would make me throw you out or change my mind about you cause I know all the shit you've fucked up!"

"Not all of it, and I plan to keep it that way," Alex says, much quieter now. His voice his shaking and he clears his throat. "So if you'd rather I called a cab, I can do that."

Ryland just stares, searching his mind for something, _anything_ that Alex could have done to himself that he wouldn't tell him. It didn't make any sense. Alex would talk about the stupid shit he'd done with a grin on his face. This wasn't _normal_. He eyes him over again, watching his fingers absently rub at his chest. More pointedly, the bottom of his rib cage. Which didn't make much sense to him cause how would he have hurt his ribs? And for that matter, why was that the only part of his body he seemed to be trying to sooth? What was he hiding?

And then something came to him. Something he'd read in his search down the rabbit hole that had been trans people. About how a lot of transmen bound their chests. About the long-term effects and the compression of the ribcage. And although Ryland knew it could easily be something else, the fact that Alex refused to even acknowledge he was in pain made him certain this was related.

He watches Alex's hand still, arms wrapping tighter around his body as if he's shielding himself. He glances up and catches his eye. Sees the raw fear there and he knows he's right.

"Alex," He starts, clenching his fist tighter around the keys. He had hoped Alex would tell him first, but this was important. He lets out a breath. "Alex, I know already."

The confusion in his eyes is barely back before the fear takes full force again. He leans away, eyes wide and Ryland just watches, waiting. The air is thick with tension as Alex opens his mouth to speak, closes it, then opens it again.

"What do- Ryland, you- what?"

"I know you're-" He pauses, sighing as he covers his face with a hand. "I know that you're trans. I know, okay? You told me."

"No I didn't. No. No, when-"

"Back when you and I got drunk at Witchita a couple weeks back, you told me. You didn't remember so I didn't say anything about it."

There's silence again. Ryland wishes he could just be back home, in his bed, and that none of this would have happened. But that's not reality, unfortunately. So he drops his hand. Watches Alex turn paler than before as he starts to shake, making pained noises as he does. Ryland clenches and unclenches his free hand, aching to do something but not knowing what.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Alex asks, lip trembling and oh god he's going to cry. Ryland reaches his hand up, then pulls it back.

"I didn't think you'd want that to be the way I found out."

Alex shakes his head. "That's- yeah okay, I didn't. But- God, Ryland, you knew? For two weeks? Is that-" His eyes widen again. "Is that why you've been so weird around me? Oh god, you- do you- do you hate me now, is that it? Am I that repulsive?"

"What?" Ryland blinks. "What? No. No, of course, you're not repulsive." He takes a deep breath, rubbing a hand over his face. "It's just weird, okay? I've never met anyone like you before. I didn't know how to handle it."

"What, and now you do? Am I that difficult?" Alex snaps and Ryland rolls his eyes.

"Look, we can talk about this later, okay? Just tell me what you did so we can fix it."

Alex shakes his head. "No, I'll fix it. You're not doing anything, especially now."

" _Especially_ now? Me knowing doesn't suddenly make me incompetent." Alex goes silent, glancing down as arms still wrapped around his chest. Ryland can see the tears forming in his eyes and he sighs, holding his head in a hand for a moment to calm himself before taking a deep breath and sitting up again. "Now," He says, voice calmer this time. "What did you do?"

Alex bites his lip, slowly glancing up at him, who forces a small, encouraging smile. Alex has to know Ryland's holding back from yelling at him again and yet he loosens his hold on his chest, giving Ryland a quick once over before answering.

"Do you know what binding is?" Alex asks, and Ryland gives a short nod. Alex lets out a breath. "Okay, so, I do that. Bind. And today I bound for way too fucking long and now I'm pretty sure I fucked up something in my chest." He pauses. "Again."

"You've had this happen before?" Ryland asks, and goddammit why would Alex subject himself to this? But Alex just gives a tiny shrug.

"It can happen. I wear the stuff too long, I get in pain. But this is just-" He sighs. "I need to get this stuff off, okay? After I do, I just need to rest and I'll be fine."

Ryland blinks. "Really? That's it?" Alex nods. Ryland narrows his eyes. Somehow, he doesn't believe him. And yet, Alex knows more about these things so he can't really argue. He makes a note to look up more about over binding later. "Okay, so why not just take it off now?"

Alex looks away again, fingers picking at his shirt. "I, uh- I'm wearing tape, not a piece of clothing. I'd have to lift up my shirt and-" He shakes his head. "Just get me back to the apartment and I'll figure it out."

"How? You can barely move your arms without being in pain."

"I'll figure it out, okay?" Alex shakes his head. "I'm-" He blinks, then groans, leaning forward as he grasps at his chest. Ryland leans forward, reaching his hand out again. He almost pulls away before resting it on his shoulder. 

"Alex? We're getting it off you. Now." He tugs at the collar of his shirt. "Can you get this off yourself?"

"Wha- Ryland, no. Take me home."

"Alex-"

" _Now._." Alex snaps, jerking away from him with a pained gasp. "I won't ask again." Ryland grasps at empty air, staring after him. Alex stares back, unblinking.

Slowly, Ryland sits back in his seat. Straightens up. Turns the key in the ignition. Neither of them looks at each other as Ryland pulls back onto the road. He digs his fingernails into the steering wheel, obscenities swirling in his head as he forces himself to keep his tongue in check.

The car ride is silent all the way back.


End file.
